Scene 1, hole 1 of the local course, a group is gathered that looks like some kind of disc golf clinic. The local pro is addressing the group.
LP: If you finish my clinic you will be pros, chain assassins just waiting for a tournament. But until that day you are Barneys. You aren't even 2 disc douches, you are lower than that!
Because I am hard you will not like me, but you will realize that the harder I am, the more you will learn. I don't care who you are or what you are. When you leave my camp you will be able to deuce a 440' wooded tunnel shot. Do you Barney's hear me?
B: Sir, yes sir.
(The local pro approaches a player)
LP: What's your name?
P1: Jim Towson sir!
LP: BS, your name is Polecat! Do you like that name?
PC: Yes sir!
(he approaches another)
LP: Holy S… look at the ears on you boy! I would call you mini-Climo but I have seen you throw. I am gonna call you Blowfly.
BF: Yes sir!
…….
(A player is muttering to himself) "I can ace anything because you all suck…"
LP: Who said that?, who the … said that?
(looking at another player)
LP: Was it you?
AP: No Sir
LP: You?
3P: No sir
GB: It was me, I said it
LP: Well look at you, funny man, I bet you think you can ace any hole out here don't you? DON'T YOU??
GB: No sir!
LP: I am gonna call you Goblin, because you look like a little troll and you are useless! You understand me Goblin??
GB: Yes sir!
(The pro walks down the line to an overweight player)
LP: Holy….I bet you started playing because you thought the baskets were stuffed with burgers and fries didn't you fatty?
PP: No sir!
LP: What's your name tubby?
PP: Paul Prince sir.
LP: Are you royalty? Do you throw Xcalibers because you think you are some kind of Knight?
PP: No sir.
LP: Well I don't like the name Paul and since all your other buddies are crappy mids and putters I will name you Pro Pig.
PP: Yes sir
LP: I want to see you getting deuces out there Piggy, one more bogey and you are out of my camp!
PP: Sir yes sir!
…..
Scene 2- Practice basket, the players are practicing putts while the pro walks around
NARRATOR (Goblin): Shady Oaks DGC summer Disc golf camp, home of the ego-maniac tour pro and lousy rec players with a masochistic streak. Why am I here? To make this story worth reading…I mean, everyone can't be a tool can they?
Clang! A soft wizard hits the garter belt on the top of the basket
LP: My god Polecat, I saw Helen Keller putt better than that! Do I need to put some brail on the basket for you!!??
PC: No sir
An aviar whizzes by LPs head, about 15' wide of the basket Piggy covers his eyes
LP: What the hell was that Piggy? Is this a Bugs Bunny episode? Did I turn into a hotdog before your eyes? ARE YOU GOING TO EAT ME!!??
PP: No Sir…grip lock.
LP: I bet you tell your poor 1985 dogeared playboy that same line every night. Leave Miss June Alone, Piggy!!
PP: Yessir
……..
Sun is setting and the sounds of chains ringing echoes
LP: Holllleeeeee Sh… Piggy hit one! It's a Christmas Miracle!! Where the hell is Tiny Tim? Did you eat him Piggy!!??
(fade out)
Scene 3- The group is teeing off on a tunnel shot, a 220' slight dogleg.
LP steps up and whips off a backhand that flies like it is remote controlled. The sound of metal being clinked rings through the forest.
Group: Woooooaaaahhhh
LP: Now get up here and do better! First one to Ace can spend the rest of the day at the strip club, the first one to bogey has to wash Piggy's underwear by hand!
Polecat steps up and sidearms a beauty but it hits a tree just before the dogleg leaving him with a 70' approach/putt.
LP: Ohh better luck next time Polecat, I think you ripped your panty hose on that drive too…Blowfly get up here!
Blowfly rips one that goes out of sight…it doesn't hit metal but it should be pretty close, a drop in deuce hopefully.
LP: Blowfly, what a pretty shot…but guess what, your sister is prettier and I have a date with her in 2 hours so get the hell off the tee! Piggy! Waddle your ass up here
Piggy tries to X-step, stumbles, farts, and rolls off the tee pad still clutching his roc. The group laughs thunderously
LP: I don't know what to say about that Piggy…it was your best drive all day!
Goblin finally composes himself and steps to the tee pad. He actually is using a goblin now, mostly just to piss off the LP. He lets a beauty fly and the groups jaws all drop in unison.
It flies out wide right looking like its going to nail a tree 1/3 down the fairway, and then it jerks back left just in time (all filmed in multi angle slo-mo) it banks hard right again before making the dogleg and in the split second before it should hit the basket Piggy starts to say "Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii…."
Ching!
"cccccceeeeeeeeeee….."
Flop
Awwwwwwwwwww. A collective moan rolls through the crowd followed by a "f'n Piggy!"
LP: Oooooh so close Goblin…maybe I should order you a tranny stripper for your efforts!
(Fade)
…………
Scene 4 is a montage of training set to music. LP yelling and screaming and the guys missing all sorts of shots…Piggy being a moron. As it progresses you notice that more shots are being made and things are looking much better. Basically, this is a cheap and effective way to close out "the boot camp" portion of the movie and move on.
Scene 5 graduation and awards ceremony. Everyone gets their certificate and their acceptance into "The Vietnam Open" the newest and most prestigious DG tourney in Asia.
Scene 6 the final night before the trip to the open. Goblin is nervously pacing hole 5 when he hears noises from 7.
PP: You hyzer here Piggy, not a roller stupid!. (Piggy throws a roller). You couldn't hit a putt with a nuclear weapon Piggy… (He shanks the putt)…(Goblin interrupts)
GB: Paul, what are you doing out here man? Our flight is at 6am, it is going to be a pretty rough day…you are going to end up playing like sh..
PP: (turns with a devilish grin) I…do…play…like….sh…
(LP shows up…furious)
LP: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?? Goblin what are you and this moron doing out on the course at midnight when you leave at 0600???
GB: I would like to inform the pro that Paul is thinking about quitting…
LP: QUITTING???? PIGGY!!?? You have come so far!! Besides, do you know how small Vietnamese people are? You could probably devour 3 in one sitting!!
(Piggy pulls out an Xcal (Ironically) and clocks LP right on the head, knocking him clean out.)
(He then proceeds to grab his Pro Pig and turning as he walks off, just hucks it in the general direction of the basket, which is nearly 300' away).
PP: F this, I quit…(Piggy walks off as the chains clang signifying the ace)
Goblins mouth just hangs open…
(Fade)
Scene 7, Vietnam Open qualifier, prior to players meeting, the guys are hanging out waiting. An attractive woman walks up to where Goblin and his new friend Gazelle are seated.
Caddy: Hey baby, you have caddy Vietnam open?
GB: Not at this moment, no.
CD: Well baby, me good caddy, me good caddy, me carry long time. You want?
GB: I might, how much?
CD: Fifteen dolla
GB: Fifteen for the both of us?
CD: No, each you fifteen dolla. Me carry long time, Me good caddy.
GB: Fifteen too boo-coo, 5 each?
CD: Me hold your water, me hydrate you much
GB: $5 is all I have left from the entry fee
CD: Ok ten dolla each
GB: What do you carry for 10 dollars?
CD: Everything you want
GB: Everything?
CD: Everything
TD: Meet up everyone!
The two walk off as the TD calls the groups. The caddy throws her arms up in exasperation and moves on to the next group.
TD: For those of you who have never tried to enter the Vietnam Open, this is how it works. Over the next two weeks there are 5 qualifiers held at different courses in the area: Sum Phat Pus (goblin and gazelle chuckle), Bing Bang Bop, Sin Sin Phan, Tets Un Bor, and Chow Sum Box. (hysterical laughter from several players). Hey I don't come up with this stuff people, listen up!
(Crowd calms down)
TD: Each qualifier is two rounds. The top 5 in each division will then qualify for the open. The Open will be one round at each of the 5 qualifiers PLUS a special final round, a temporary course constructed on the old "Ho Chi Minh trail".
(woooahs from crowd)
In addition to the 5 qualifiers we also have the following special rounds available:
Mixed doubles at Chow Sum Box (yup, more laughter)
Ace competition at Bing Bang Bop
Pro Am Doubles at Sin Sin Phan
And the ever popular ring of fire at Sum Phat Pus
(groans from the crowd)
TD: You may sign up for one or all of the qualifiers right now, but here is the rub, if you sign up you pay upfront. If you make it in round 1 you do not get your money back, it goes into the finals pot. If you sign up for only 1 round today and fail to qualify, you go home. The choice is yours. Entry is for the next 2 hours only.
(players nervous whispering gets louder)
TD: Representatives from each course are standing by, each round has a table and you can also sign up for the side action at the respective table. Oh and I was just informed that Tets Un Bor is going to feature a young and old doubles with a local kid pairing up with those who sign up. Proceeds will go to EDGE Vietnam. Thanks everyone, and good luck!
(people start to disperse)
LP: If you finish my clinic you will be pros, chain assassins just waiting for a tournament. But until that day you are Barneys. You aren't even 2 disc douches, you are lower than that!
Because I am hard you will not like me, but you will realize that the harder I am, the more you will learn. I don't care who you are or what you are. When you leave my camp you will be able to deuce a 440' wooded tunnel shot. Do you Barney's hear me?
B: Sir, yes sir.
(The local pro approaches a player)
LP: What's your name?
P1: Jim Towson sir!
LP: BS, your name is Polecat! Do you like that name?
PC: Yes sir!
(he approaches another)
LP: Holy S… look at the ears on you boy! I would call you mini-Climo but I have seen you throw. I am gonna call you Blowfly.
BF: Yes sir!
…….
(A player is muttering to himself) "I can ace anything because you all suck…"
LP: Who said that?, who the … said that?
(looking at another player)
LP: Was it you?
AP: No Sir
LP: You?
3P: No sir
GB: It was me, I said it
LP: Well look at you, funny man, I bet you think you can ace any hole out here don't you? DON'T YOU??
GB: No sir!
LP: I am gonna call you Goblin, because you look like a little troll and you are useless! You understand me Goblin??
GB: Yes sir!
(The pro walks down the line to an overweight player)
LP: Holy….I bet you started playing because you thought the baskets were stuffed with burgers and fries didn't you fatty?
PP: No sir!
LP: What's your name tubby?
PP: Paul Prince sir.
LP: Are you royalty? Do you throw Xcalibers because you think you are some kind of Knight?
PP: No sir.
LP: Well I don't like the name Paul and since all your other buddies are crappy mids and putters I will name you Pro Pig.
PP: Yes sir
LP: I want to see you getting deuces out there Piggy, one more bogey and you are out of my camp!
PP: Sir yes sir!
…..
Scene 2- Practice basket, the players are practicing putts while the pro walks around
NARRATOR (Goblin): Shady Oaks DGC summer Disc golf camp, home of the ego-maniac tour pro and lousy rec players with a masochistic streak. Why am I here? To make this story worth reading…I mean, everyone can't be a tool can they?
Clang! A soft wizard hits the garter belt on the top of the basket
LP: My god Polecat, I saw Helen Keller putt better than that! Do I need to put some brail on the basket for you!!??
PC: No sir
An aviar whizzes by LPs head, about 15' wide of the basket Piggy covers his eyes
LP: What the hell was that Piggy? Is this a Bugs Bunny episode? Did I turn into a hotdog before your eyes? ARE YOU GOING TO EAT ME!!??
PP: No Sir…grip lock.
LP: I bet you tell your poor 1985 dogeared playboy that same line every night. Leave Miss June Alone, Piggy!!
PP: Yessir
……..
Sun is setting and the sounds of chains ringing echoes
LP: Holllleeeeee Sh… Piggy hit one! It's a Christmas Miracle!! Where the hell is Tiny Tim? Did you eat him Piggy!!??
(fade out)
Scene 3- The group is teeing off on a tunnel shot, a 220' slight dogleg.
LP steps up and whips off a backhand that flies like it is remote controlled. The sound of metal being clinked rings through the forest.
Group: Woooooaaaahhhh
LP: Now get up here and do better! First one to Ace can spend the rest of the day at the strip club, the first one to bogey has to wash Piggy's underwear by hand!
Polecat steps up and sidearms a beauty but it hits a tree just before the dogleg leaving him with a 70' approach/putt.
LP: Ohh better luck next time Polecat, I think you ripped your panty hose on that drive too…Blowfly get up here!
Blowfly rips one that goes out of sight…it doesn't hit metal but it should be pretty close, a drop in deuce hopefully.
LP: Blowfly, what a pretty shot…but guess what, your sister is prettier and I have a date with her in 2 hours so get the hell off the tee! Piggy! Waddle your ass up here
Piggy tries to X-step, stumbles, farts, and rolls off the tee pad still clutching his roc. The group laughs thunderously
LP: I don't know what to say about that Piggy…it was your best drive all day!
Goblin finally composes himself and steps to the tee pad. He actually is using a goblin now, mostly just to piss off the LP. He lets a beauty fly and the groups jaws all drop in unison.
It flies out wide right looking like its going to nail a tree 1/3 down the fairway, and then it jerks back left just in time (all filmed in multi angle slo-mo) it banks hard right again before making the dogleg and in the split second before it should hit the basket Piggy starts to say "Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii…."
Ching!
"cccccceeeeeeeeeee….."
Flop
Awwwwwwwwwww. A collective moan rolls through the crowd followed by a "f'n Piggy!"
LP: Oooooh so close Goblin…maybe I should order you a tranny stripper for your efforts!
(Fade)
…………
Scene 4 is a montage of training set to music. LP yelling and screaming and the guys missing all sorts of shots…Piggy being a moron. As it progresses you notice that more shots are being made and things are looking much better. Basically, this is a cheap and effective way to close out "the boot camp" portion of the movie and move on.
Scene 5 graduation and awards ceremony. Everyone gets their certificate and their acceptance into "The Vietnam Open" the newest and most prestigious DG tourney in Asia.
Scene 6 the final night before the trip to the open. Goblin is nervously pacing hole 5 when he hears noises from 7.
PP: You hyzer here Piggy, not a roller stupid!. (Piggy throws a roller). You couldn't hit a putt with a nuclear weapon Piggy… (He shanks the putt)…(Goblin interrupts)
GB: Paul, what are you doing out here man? Our flight is at 6am, it is going to be a pretty rough day…you are going to end up playing like sh..
PP: (turns with a devilish grin) I…do…play…like….sh…
(LP shows up…furious)
LP: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?? Goblin what are you and this moron doing out on the course at midnight when you leave at 0600???
GB: I would like to inform the pro that Paul is thinking about quitting…
LP: QUITTING???? PIGGY!!?? You have come so far!! Besides, do you know how small Vietnamese people are? You could probably devour 3 in one sitting!!
(Piggy pulls out an Xcal (Ironically) and clocks LP right on the head, knocking him clean out.)
(He then proceeds to grab his Pro Pig and turning as he walks off, just hucks it in the general direction of the basket, which is nearly 300' away).
PP: F this, I quit…(Piggy walks off as the chains clang signifying the ace)
Goblins mouth just hangs open…
(Fade)
Scene 7, Vietnam Open qualifier, prior to players meeting, the guys are hanging out waiting. An attractive woman walks up to where Goblin and his new friend Gazelle are seated.
Caddy: Hey baby, you have caddy Vietnam open?
GB: Not at this moment, no.
CD: Well baby, me good caddy, me good caddy, me carry long time. You want?
GB: I might, how much?
CD: Fifteen dolla
GB: Fifteen for the both of us?
CD: No, each you fifteen dolla. Me carry long time, Me good caddy.
GB: Fifteen too boo-coo, 5 each?
CD: Me hold your water, me hydrate you much
GB: $5 is all I have left from the entry fee
CD: Ok ten dolla each
GB: What do you carry for 10 dollars?
CD: Everything you want
GB: Everything?
CD: Everything
TD: Meet up everyone!
The two walk off as the TD calls the groups. The caddy throws her arms up in exasperation and moves on to the next group.
TD: For those of you who have never tried to enter the Vietnam Open, this is how it works. Over the next two weeks there are 5 qualifiers held at different courses in the area: Sum Phat Pus (goblin and gazelle chuckle), Bing Bang Bop, Sin Sin Phan, Tets Un Bor, and Chow Sum Box. (hysterical laughter from several players). Hey I don't come up with this stuff people, listen up!
(Crowd calms down)
TD: Each qualifier is two rounds. The top 5 in each division will then qualify for the open. The Open will be one round at each of the 5 qualifiers PLUS a special final round, a temporary course constructed on the old "Ho Chi Minh trail".
(woooahs from crowd)
In addition to the 5 qualifiers we also have the following special rounds available:
Mixed doubles at Chow Sum Box (yup, more laughter)
Ace competition at Bing Bang Bop
Pro Am Doubles at Sin Sin Phan
And the ever popular ring of fire at Sum Phat Pus
(groans from the crowd)
TD: You may sign up for one or all of the qualifiers right now, but here is the rub, if you sign up you pay upfront. If you make it in round 1 you do not get your money back, it goes into the finals pot. If you sign up for only 1 round today and fail to qualify, you go home. The choice is yours. Entry is for the next 2 hours only.
(players nervous whispering gets louder)
TD: Representatives from each course are standing by, each round has a table and you can also sign up for the side action at the respective table. Oh and I was just informed that Tets Un Bor is going to feature a young and old doubles with a local kid pairing up with those who sign up. Proceeds will go to EDGE Vietnam. Thanks everyone, and good luck!
(people start to disperse)