Supportive card-mate talk (?)

[hawgdriver]

I have a buddy I play with a good bit. He can be pretty intense. When he misses putts or has a bad round, he often gets sharply negative. Like we all do. Sometimes his anger boils over. Like all of us.

Most of the time we both look at it as an exercise in mental toughness. Don't let the mistakes get you down. Don't give in to self-pity. Don't ... give in.

Well the other day we played a round and I lost my **** a little bit. Went from CTP birdie look on a spiky hilltop pin placement to a six-putt quad. Went from best score to not-so-best score.

I ran my birdie putt instead of laying up, this was a mistake that lead to the big score. Whatevs, be aggressive, right? Walking off the tee, another dude on the card said "you gonna run that?" and I said "f no". I knew the correct answer, and I think I was a bit frustrated that I allowed myself to sacrifice winning the card for the sake of aggressiveness.

Ok. So the birdie miss trickles to a 15-20' straight uphill par bid.

This is when supportive card-mate says "you got this man, you live for this" kind of an inside joke, some banter, etc. But I was irritated with the missed birdie putt, the bad kick, lack of sleep, unexplained planetary day shortening, whatever. So when I hear this supportive talk, and I really just want to sink this putt and move on, I get irritated.

The exact mental transaction is "dude, I don't actually want you throwing expectations on me and driving some personal narrative because you need to hear yourself talk right now, could you please s t f u? This is hard enough as it is to focus on this damned tasked of emptying my mind prior to throwing this stupid f'in circle into this basket."

And I don't want to hold up the card, I was CTP and everyone else laid up and picked up their disc. I just had to clean up my birdie miss. It was a routine putt that I make 95% of the time--I'm regarded an exceptionally good putter in certain circles.

So I don't take a minute to clear my mind, and I fire my putt while still miffed at my buddy's chatter. I'm pretty certain it's well-meaning, but no one else I play with is always delivering little pep talks as I'm trying to relax, empty, and focus on making a putt. What's his deal?

Now, as I write this I'm aware how it comes across. I was cranky af. That's just a fact. My buddy was being supportive.

So then we go to the bogey attempt. My par bid hit chains but rolled down the other side of the hill. Now I've got a long comebacker, and this is when I tend to dig deep and just shut the world out and handle my business.

This is when my buddy goes into extended pep talk mode. As I'm behind the marker, eyeing the basket with disc in hand. Paraphrasing, "alright dude, you got this. Just mumble mumble (trying to tune him out) happy noises. We're very supportive of your life goals here at card-mate support services. Or maybe just lay up *chuckle*."

And I'm like. Dude. Why. Do I ask for pep talks? Do I give them to you? Can you not tell when someone is trying to concentrate?

I tried really hard to focus on my task, but the emotional investment and attention I would put towards making my putt was diverted towards parsing my buddy's narrative. I didn't have much in the tank and was already cranky like I said, too. We know how the story ends, from a possible 2 to a 7.

And for the life of me, I can't tell if he's just being enthusiastic and like a yappy dog that's just glad about $hit, or if he's got some kind of nervous verbal tic that makes him need to project positivity in situations like this--like this is what he'd say to himself and what he'd want to hear from someone who cared about him.

Whoa. Sorry to get so meta.

Anyways. It's got me thinking I'm not sure I can play with this dude even though he's a good dude. Even if he was straight up trying to jack my ****, I'm fine with that. I was cranky af after all and melting down.

But I wanted to see just how out of touch and cranky I was...

After my 6-putt, I told my buddy that I didn't want his pep talks when I was getting ready to putt, and I tried to keep it as plainspoken and direct as possible, not attributional, but I was still in meltdown mode (pro tip: not the right time to deliver my message). He did not seem to reflect on my perspective in a meaningful way and took it as though he did nothing wrong.

I'm pretty sure that I'm done playing with this dude...and this is the second time I've had this feeling after a round with him. Last time was his blow-up.

I'll hang up now.

Looking for the community take on the 'supportive card-mate' who offers 'pep talks' and intrudes on your focus when the clock is running on your shot...even if it's well-intentioned and objectively friendly.

 

[txmxer]

Dude means well. IF you are playing with him, you can and should talk with him direct before the round.

 

[mojorooks]

Looking for the community take on the 'supportive card-mate' who offers 'pep talks' and intrudes on your focus when the clock is running on your shot...even if it's well-intentioned and objectively friendly.

I won't answer how to handle the card-mate, but I appreciate the insight and it makes complete sense. A few times recently I did a pep talk after a blown putt and I now see how it can be disruptive to the 'zone'.

 

[biscoe]

While I would not have liked it any better than you did at the time I also don't see it as a big deal after the fact. Different people react differently to different situations. Assuming it was casual play you have the choice to play with/not play with whoever you choose. If it is that big a deal to you then you can certainly exercise that choice. FWIW I would have been more annoyed by the initial asking if I were going to run the putt than any of the pep talk stuff that came later.

 

[Sad2980]

Sounds like you're making excuses. You missed the putts. He should be more respectful of your pre-putt routine, but was that really the main reason you took a 7 or was it poor play? Be honest with yourself. That being said, don't play with people you don't like.

 

[DavidSauls]

It could be worse. He could have been laughing out you, louder and harder with each missed putt.

 

[autocrosscrx]

Buddy of mine was playing his first tourney. Guy throws a really good drive on a similar hole and has like a 20 foot death putt. My buddy is like, "Man, that's a scary putt." Guy misses the putt and leaves like an uphill 25 footer. My buddy is like, "You got this!" And the guy gave him a courtesy warning.

That might be a bit over the top, but it stuck with my buddy. I think it is okay to say something. I appreciate the gesture, but just let me focus on my shots.

And it is okay to not really play with people that make the experience less enjoyable.

 

[HyooMac]

OP read like so many episodes in my life with my most frequent playing buddy...

Pep talks and supportive comments are easier to give than to receive. In that way, they're sort of selfish: the talker is feeling better about himself for "being supportive" despite the actual impact (or lack thereof) the words are having.

Based on my experience as the guy losing his grip, I've learned when the tables are turned to just shut up. Unless my opinion is asked for.

And to try to pretend I was looking the other way.

 

[jupiterboy]

When he starts talking just up your volume a little and say "reclaiming my time" until he stops.

 

[DavidSauls]

Like many social interactions, the trick for the speaker is to correctly read his struggling playing partner. Some will like encouragement, some won't care, some will be bothered. Sometimes you guess wrong.

I've blown up on holes to the degree that my playing partners went silent. That, too, is a statement.

 

[ru4por]

Nothing worse than playing with the angry guy. This is why I enjoy age protected divisions, there is FAR less of this stuff. Disc golf is a competition between you and the course. Own your anger, it is caused by you. Not the basket, course, cardmates, birds, wind... Thirty seconds a shot (hopefully), three shots a hole is 27 minutes of playing in a round, the rest is a walk in nature, to chat with buddies. If you cannot find joy in your choice of entertainment, maybe woodworking is your thing. Missing shot NEVER goes away, handling it poorly can. Work on you. Use disc golf as a life coping mechanism and find joy in the game, earth and your friends.

I have a couple casual playing buddies that would eat you alive. Once discovering your inability to handle positive banter, they would blow you up. Same with some tournament players. They are not much fun either.

 

[seedlings]

It could be worse. He could have been laughing out you, louder and harder with each missed putt.

I play with that guy.

 

[DavidSauls]

I play with that guy.

I have 3 brothers and 4 nephews who play disc golf. Brotherly love sometimes includes ridicule.

 

[biscoe]

I play with that guy.

The guys I play with casually would laugh you off the course if you are thin-skinned. We don't play that way in events though. There's a time and a place for everything, etc, etc...

 

[DavidSauls]

The guys I play with casually would laugh you off the course if you are thin-skinned. We don't play that way in events though. There's a time and a place for everything, etc, etc...

I used to have a group of friends, who'd play a lot of the same tournaments. Masters-age, you understand. And we would make humorous comments, ridiculing really bad shots (particularly really bad drives).

Once, 3 of us were on the same card, along with a 4th player we didn't know. About 6 holes in, he asked us, "Do you guys not like each other?"

*

But, yeah, there's a place for everything, and you need to be really sure before doing that, in either casual rounds or, especially, tournaments.

 

[dndelli]

A lot of this reads like you are blaming poor performance on an external locus of control. In the moment it is easy to do, and helps make us feel better as people, but isn't beneficial to developing a strong mental game. Could be something to think about. This has been something I have worked on over the past few years, and it seems to have helped me a lot.

That being said, not everyone is going to jive well for a casual round. If you'd rather not play with someone, then I think it's fair to just not play with them. Especially if they are a rage monster. Though, it might be worth just trying to have a calm discussion about it, now that time has passed. Sometimes you just have to let people know your boundaries - and if they choose to ignore those after you've made them clear, then you know they aren't the people you want on your casual rounds.

 

[gooberau]

Not sure this is supportive or not but about 12 months ago …

First round of inaugural three round club championship. I'm last card of the day and first hole is a 60m downhill dead straight hole … putter. But there is a 10m island, but still easy. You birdie and move on. One guy is waiting to remove the 10m island rope after we have played the first hole and he can go home. He's talking loudly to everyone in earshot as I throw my first shot of the day. I miss the island … he makes a comment on my shot (he likes to comment). I go to the drop zone with my card (and him, still talking). I short the upshot (a comment … "oh, that's a tester for bogey"), and I take a double bogey.

I'm. Really. Mad. Was for the rest of the round and a week or two after that. But … in the long run it really helped me. I did it to myself, and let it get to me. I try not to let things get to me any more my disc golf has improved out of sight in the past 12 months.

 

[Rastnav]

I have a couple casual playing buddies that would eat you alive. Once discovering your inability to handle positive banter, they would blow you up. Same with some tournament players. They are not much fun either.

I would, colloquially, stroke the **** outa these players in tournament play. Courtesy violation after courtesy violation for engaging in "distracting or unsportsmanlike actions". If I don't want you talking about my game, you don't get to talk about my game.

Not that it would particularly bother me to get encouragement. I'm a chatty guy. But mental mind games are a no-no in disc golf.

 

[Dingus]

My buddy is like, "You got this!" And the guy gave him a courtesy warning.

I would, colloquially, stroke the **** outa these players in tournament play. Courtesy violation after courtesy violation for engaging in "distracting or unsportsmanlike actions". If I don't want you talking about my game, you don't get to talk about my game.

This is insanity.

 

[ThrowaEnvy]

Like many social interactions, the trick for the speaker is to correctly read his struggling playing partner. Some will like encouragement, some won't care, some will be bothered. Sometimes you guess wrong.

I've blown up on holes to the degree that my playing partners went silent. That, too, is a statement.

Personally the silence bugs me, I wish people would just keep chatting at a lower volume level. The silence, and the eyes, all on me....

I also perform something along the lines of the "corriedoo"* where I pretend not to notice they are putting until last minute when it hopefully hits the chains.

Duly noted on ingratiating pep talks.. It is better than someone grinding you though haha.. It is also another thing to block out, tournament mind games are a real thing. Some people are well intentioned with this, others are using it to get to you.

*Corriedoo
(n.)
The crucial moment of late recognition in a long passageway encounter. Though both people are perfectly well aware that the other is approaching, they must eventually pretend sudden recognition. They now look up with a glassy smile, as if having spotted each other for the first time, (and are particularly delighted to have done so), shouting out 'Haaaaalllllloooo!' as if to say 'Good grief!! You!! Here!! Of all people